story behind the song: visible
Many years ago, two amazing leaders* led a train wreck of women through the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (affectionately called EHS from here on out). Bless their hearts for graciously loving us through those years!
It was a miracle that I showed up for the group meeting each week. I think I kept showing up because I was experiencing an incredible level of care, authenticity, and privacy among these women. Real work was being done in this group and it left a lasting mark on my soul, in a good way. It also set the bar for any future groups I would be a part of or lead. This was part of my soul’s Kintsugi.
In 2020, I wrote the song “visible” as a sort of a lyrical version of my EHS experience. It was a way to remind myself of what I had learned so many years ago in that group study. It was also a way to express the weight of social media I had been feeling.
My first problem with social media, aside from the algorithms engineered to increase strife and the torrent of misinformation, was how completely overwhelming and exhausting it felt to try to keep up with so many human beings. It felt like I was walking into a huge room full of people, most of whom I loved, without any way to hug and pay attention to each one as much as they needed or I wanted. Instead of drawing me out, it made me want to hide under a rock.
My second problem with social media, was that I began to feel the same darkness and despair I felt when I was a teenager and I walked into a record/CD shop. When I saw the myriad of recordings for sale, my soul shut down and I stopped pursuing music completely. Back then a voice said, “What’s the point of your music and art? There is so much music and art out there already, why should you bother raising your tiny, uncertain voice in the midst of that roar?” Years later, when social media came on the scene, the voice came back again. Instead of feeling inspired, it made me want to quit.
Since that EHS group, God has used many things to solidify my identity in Him, my faith, and to increase my emotional and spiritual health enough to recognize the voice of the destroyer. He used: Bible study, a second (possibly remedial) EHS group, authentic friends and family trying to live healthy emotional and spiritual lives, loving leaders who prayed for us and encouraged us to live into our God-given gifts, books like Adorning the Dark and Walking on Water and Boundaries, experiences like Meow Wolf and The Country Music Hall of Fame, conversations in Cindy’s office, coffee with Carm, Sunday afternoon with Heather, retreats with the lady leader group, the confident weirdness of Stephanie, and the steadfast care of the Jens**.
In 2020 when I heard the voice again, I paused and got up in the balcony. I looked at those intimidating and discouraging phrases. It was true, there were already many artists and musicians in the world. It was true, there were more talented and more trained and more connected artists and musicians than myself. It was true, I had one voice and I was limited.
But it was also true that I had something to say and that I had learned a few things. It was also true that God had given me permission to be here. I was writing songs, singing, and painting for God and for me. This is what He had given me to do. This was for my healing and maybe for the healing of someone else. I was doing what He asked and nothing else really mattered.
Friend, I will leave you with a quote that has stuck with me from EHS and summarizes so well what I am trying to say here:
“Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, ‘In the coming world, they will not ask me: Why were you not Moses? They will ask me: Why were you not Zusya?’”
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazarro
* Cindy and Carm - The fearless leaders of a whole bunch of fun-loving, sometimes-hard-to-love, sometimes-running-away ladies. Also known as The Reverend Mother and Sister C.
** The Jens - A mythical type of human being named Jennifer; often known to congregate in somewhat loud, somewhat troublesome, and always hilarious groups of two or more. Often soliciting frowns from the leadership. But oh, the hugs and the compassion!
